Several times in the past week I have been asked if I am alright. I don't feel any different than usual but people were pressing me to get me to tell the truth. Maybe there's something they can see that I can't yet.
I guess it's like that with lots of things. Yesterday, the first day of 2011, a dear friend told me that my compliments made his girlfriend very uncomfortable. I do try to limit my time with single girls because they don't have boyfriends that can pull me up on things like that. But it hurt to be told that what I say to everyone makes at least this friend feel uncomfortable.
So yesterday I was grumpy and brooding. "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." (Prov 27:6) I want to say that it's just one person, but maybe it's just one person who everything has lined up so that I can know how they feel. I want to cry, but I can't at the moment. I wanted to never say anything to anyone anymore. I wanted to be angry with God that the person he made me to this point makes people uncomfortable. How can I change who I am?
But that is the challenge of sin isn't it? I am sinful, therefore I sin. My sinfulness was evident in how quick I was to blame my holy, faithful and loving God for my problems. Being a Christian is about changing who you are, and being willing to give up your own life to love God and others. The rebuke hurt because I am not willing to change.
Maybe that's what is wrong with me lately. I have changed because I'm not willing to change. My eyes are dry, my faith is old, my heart is hard and my prayers are cold. Even at the New Year I had no resolution for change. I had no heart of repentance for the year that was. I had need for this wound.
Thankfully today I got "The Pursuit of Holiness" by Jerry Bridges. A day or too late to make resolutions with everyone else. But this year I make it my aim to pursue holiness.
Hopefully I won't make anyone's skin crawl along the way.
Glenn, there are lots of times someone brings up things that I do or say that might hurt someone else, without me even being aware of it. This is why we have people like this in our lives, but I do have to question, why was it the boyfriend that said this and not the girl herself? She should tell you this herself and not her boyfriend. I was told that when I say things to people I do not say it in a loving way. I had a pastor tell me this at a time that I was broken and I felt he only broke me more. I felt "why bring this up to me now?" Why has nobody said this to me personally and why are you bringing this up to me? I am sure that I do not say things in a loving way, and I try to be as careful as I can to say things in the best way I can, but if someone had a problem with how I said to them, they should have come to me personally and not the pastor speak on behalf of whoever he felt needed to tell me this. I was really shocked and felt this was not the time he should have addressed this when I was addressing something to him totally different. I do not know maybe he thought he was getting his kicks out of telling me this at a time I was already sinking low after something else he had told me. I was angry at him for telling me this and I knew where he was coming from, but I just felt that this was not the time for him to come out and tell me this and of course since he says names should be mentioned, he never said who. I try very, very hard to watch what I say to people because I know that things can be taken a wrong way, but even if that is the case, we should be Christian enough to go back to the person and get them to clarify what they mean by what they say. There are really somethings that come out of people's mouths that I really wonder if it is just from a humans point of view or if it is from God's point of view and Glenn, I think in this matter, this is something you should pray and ask God about.
ReplyDeletesorry for being long winded and going on and on.
you are in my prayers and thoughts.
Thanks Lianne :)
ReplyDeleteI don't think it was a bad thing that he told me. My thought was never that she should have told me, but as much as it hurt to hear I was thankful she had someone she could go to in order to clear up any bad blood.
Although it might sound cliche, I do think that everything God does he does for a reason, even painful things. He is still with us in the depths, no matter how deep truths or sins or timing may take us.
I'm sorry for the hurt that you have experienced :( However I am super encouraged that despite everything you still love Jesus. It is a beautiful sign that God's grace is working in you :)
As for me, I love my friends which is why it hurts that I hurt them. I'm thankful for the opportunity to see what may or may not be sin, and trust in God as I work hard to be more like Jesus. I'm sure there'll be a few more heartaches a long the way :P
Thanks for your prayers. They are certainly effective and appreciated. I will keep praying for you also!