"A War of Loves" by David Bennett

Let no foreigner who is bound to the Lord say,

    “The Lord will surely exclude me from his people.”

And let no eunuch complain,

    “I am only a dry tree.”

Isaiah 56:3

Introduction

“A War of Loves” by David Bennett (Zondervan, 2018) is an autobiography that engages with issues around the relationship between homosexuality and Christianity. For the author, a desire to understand this topic has been reinforced by various life experiences. His attraction to members of the same sex became apparent while a student at a religious school. He came out as gay to his family which occasionally lead to conflict with Christians in his extended family. He attended University at a cultural moment when many advocating for Same-Sex Marriage came into conflict with those advocating (Christian or otherwise) for retaining the traditional definition of marriage. And, when he became a Christian, conflict which was previously between two separate communities (the Gay and the Christian) now united in his personal identity.

Was it possible to be both Gay and Christian? And how does someone go about figuring that out? The book takes you on Bennett’s journey through this shared space. At the beginning of the journey there were few resources available, and despite there being more available today, “A War of Loves” is an important addition. For those looking for the perfect book to say everything you need to end the conflict over sexuality (within the Christian community and without), this book will disappoint. But for those looking for an example of someone growing (over time) in their understanding of what it means to have homosexual desires and a desire to follow Jesus, this may be helpful.

Is it Possible?

Many in the LGBTQI+ community have not had a good experience of the Christian community. Is it even possible for them to have any unity? There are stories. As the reader might expect from an autobiography, personal experience plays a large role in this story. “A War of Loves” is less of a “How To” guide than a “How Did.” How did a "gay activist" unexpectedly meet Jesus? Well, in a way that is both usual and extraordinary. The usual is that someone (boldly) shared with him about Jesus and prayed for him. The extraordinary is what he experienced during that time which lead him to believe. I won’t give it away, but I do want to say that it may be what some people experience but not what everyone will. However it happens, there will be some continuity and discontinuity with the way a person lives before and after meeting Jesus.

What does this mean for gay people who become Christians? Broadly speaking there are Christians who are affirming of (at least some) same-sex relationships (sometimes called the “progressive” or “revisionist” view), and those who are not (the “traditionalist” view). David’s story encompasses both. Bennett found himself joining in with two gatherings of Jesus’ people. One held to the traditionalist view and the other to the progressive. As someone in a same-sex relationship the progressive gathering appealed, but (again in personal experience) the traditionalist church seemed to offer a space for more real encounters with the Jesus he had met previously.

How is it Possible?

It is probably the way that Bennett was allowed to sit in this tension that makes his story stand out from others I have seen. Where he lands is not forced so much by pressure to conform to the community around him (though external factors certainly play a part). It is a result of wrestling with himself and his God. This is “a war of loves” from which the book derives its name. Initially the main resources to understand this struggle were the people around him (though his experience was uncommon) and some personal revelations from God (though this too is uncommon). These, while still playing an important role, become less prominent as Bennett is encouraged to take the Bible and it’s teachings more seriously.

For anyone who has read the Bible (and even many people who haven’t), it is clear that this is not a simple thing for a gay person to do. The Bible is a complex book, and homosexuality is also complex. Rather than ignore this complexity, David engaged in further study of the Bible to try and make sense of it. Outwardly this may not seem like much of a shift, but it moves the engagement away from the practices of a community (whether affirming or non-affirming) to engagement with the theology that should drive practice. If the Scriptures are the “word of God,” what does God mean by what he says and how is that shaped by everything else he has said?

Why is it possible?

Getting to know God better is the key to lasting change. Learning theology is a slow process, and applying it can be even slower. Again I think this is another strength of this book. He records the movement of what he came to believe intellectually into what he came to love. What Thomas Chalmers calls “the expulsive power of a new affection.” This point is powerfully illustrated by a couple of chapters in the middle of the book where the author realises God might be calling him to a life of celibacy, and around the same time meets someone who would seemingly tick all the boxes for the long-lasting relationship he has always desired. It is through this experience, and the counsel of a wise older lady named Merrie, that he came to understand “the cost of discipleship” (a phrase made famous by Dietrich Bonhoeffer).

I had tried hard above not to give his conclusion away (since I would hate for someone not to read the book because they disagree with the conclusion), but it might be helpful to say something about it now. Through his journey Bennett has now come to identify himself as a “celibate Gay Christian.” He outlines his reasoning for that in the book, and outlines how that fits into some of the scholarly discussion of homosexuality and Christianity (particularly the labels of “Side A” and “Side B”). Being an Australian and working through this issue from the ground up, later finding resources in past theologians and both American and English Christians contemporaries, has enabled the author to in some ways sidestep the cultural debates happening around the world and focus on what God’s word means for himself. After all, that’s partly the point of an autobiography.

Conclusion

Earlier I mentioned that there are other autobiographies that people can read. Focusing on those of a similar position to “A War of Loves” (eg. the traditionalist view), I would want to point to “Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert” by Rosaria Butterfield*, and “Gay Girl, Good God” by Jackie Hill Perry. “Secret thoughts” was released in 2004 (re-released in 2014) and records Butterfield’s journey from being a lesbian English professor to a homeschooling Pastor’s wife. It is important because very few similar stories had been told previously (or for a long time after). Bennett’s story includes much more of his internal monologue (or dialogue?), and Butterfield has a sidetrack about her church denomination which seems out of place. Another difference is that Butterfield's journey as a Christian lead her away from being an academic while Bennet's lead him to being one.

Perry’s book was released just before “A War of Loves” and from what I have read it seems quite similar in its approach. Perry also had an “unexpected encounter with Jesus” and she is putting her story out there in the hopes that other people might too. Where I would say these stories differ is at their beginning and their end. Perry was brought up in a home where she experienced neglect and abuse, whereas Bennett had a caring and supportive family. It is a common narrative that gay people have experienced abuse when they were young (though Perry doesn’t believe that’s what made her gay), and part of the reason Bennett questioned his sexuality so deeply was because he didn’t fit that narrative. Perry’s journey as a Christian also lead her to getting married to a person of the opposite sex (as did Butterfield’s). Bennett’s has not. Each book might be helpful for different people in different circumstances.

A couple of last comments about the book. Firstly, I think it was helpful the way he showed that marriage has kind of become an idol in both the Gay and Christian communities. Particularly for the Christian community, he asks, "Was our goal really to produce happy, debt-free middle-class families?" I was thankful for the way he reminded people of the value of single people. Understandably that was more the scope of this book, however, my mind went to the non-sexual identity markers. "Happy," "debt-free," and "middle-class." Should this book do its work and convince people there is a place in the church for those who don't fit the idealised (idolised?) family, I couldn't help but think there will be a lot more work to do to break down those other idols which also feed into the sexuality one.

Secondly, I appreciated the role the many women in his story played. I’m sure that there were also many godly men who helped him in his journey (he mentions a couple of teachers at school and his uncle, some boyfriends, and others), but many of the significant influences in his Christian life were women. It was a woman that prayed for him and invited him to church, it was his mother and aunty who had those discipling conversations when he was young in the faith, and it was a dear older Sister in France who modelled the costly but beautiful life of a celibate Christian. It’s encouraging that a book about one neglected group of people within the church (gay/Same-Sex Attracted) can at the same time highlight the role of another group who are often eclipsed by those whose service is more public.

Finally, I do want to add a word of caution. David is young, having recently turned 30 (bon anniversaire!), and if my calculations are correct that means he has been a Christian for 10 (encore une fois, bon anniversaire mon Frère). That does not negate anything he has said or learnt so far, but he has a lot of life and learning left. I say that as someone only a couple of years ahead. There will be a lot more time to be tempted by sin, and maybe some experiences that will change his position. I hope that what excites traditionalist Christians is not his current life example (great as it is, who knows if he will be able to persevere on this path for all the days God gives him). I hope that what is exciting is someone can read God's word, can meet Jesus, and change in obedience to that. It is my prayer that God will enable David (and many others who read this book) to continue in that.

This is probably less a review than some of my reflections on reading it. Either way, its a good introduction to some of the issues when homosexuality and Christianity combine. 4/5 stars.

*For those who want to look further at what evangelical Christians disagree over, Butterfield is known for her disagreement about Christians using the word “gay” as an identifier. This has lead to some conflict with Wesley Hill (whose book "Washed and Waiting" was influential in David's journey) and others in the group called Spiritual Friendship. A recent "controversy" was around the ReVoice conference held last year.

For those who are interested in the broader disagreement between progressives and traditionalists, the recent General Conference of the United Methodist Church is an interesting example.

I point to these things so that you know if you disagree, there is room within the Christian community for disagreement and ongoing discussion (painful as it may be sometimes). God is not surprised when people think and feel differently, but hopefully we can all be willing to submit ourselves to what he says as we follow Jesus.