I don't blog a lot, but I do go to a lot of weddings. The latest wedding I attended was of some dear friends. I really enjoyed celebrating the day with them and their family and other friends. Unfortunately one thing left a bad taste in my mouth. And that one thing has pushed me to say something.
One of the Bible readings was from Psalm 103. If you are unfamiliar with that Psalm, the first part (the part that was read) is praise of God for who he is and for the good gifts he gives. The second half (the part that wasn't read) places the weakness of man in contrast to the greatness of this God. As the speaker rightly observed, it is for this reason that the Psalm is often read at funerals and not at weddings. This observation formed the basis of the sermon and this lead to a problem.
The sermon continued, and in two sentences placed an unhelpful burden on a minority group. "This wedding is a funeral for singleness... this wedding is a funeral for selfishness...". I don't believe that equating those two things was intentional, but it was what was heard, and it is not an uncommon thing to hear as a single person.
It's disappointing to hear singleness equated with selfishness. That is not a burden single men and women should have to bear. It's disappointing to hear marriage equated with unselfishness. That is not a burden married men and women should have to bear. If I am not mistaken, the Apostle Paul makes the opposite observation in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. Unmarried people are free to pursue God's concerns and married people are bound to pursue their own. There might be selfishness in singleness, but they are not the same thing. There might be unselfishness in marriage, but they are not the same thing. Both single and married people are to serve the Lord Jesus with whatever capacity they have. Some may have more, some less, but one group of people is not more or less valuable than the other because of their relationship status so please (please please please!) don't make them feel that way.
This deals with the most problematic thing that was said. Singleness and selfishness are NOT the same thing. But I think the funeral motif only works if they are. I have no problem with the idea of putting selfishness to death. This is a biblical idea. "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature..." [Col 3:5].
I do, however, have a slight problem with the idea of a wedding being a funeral for singleness. This is not a major problem because in a way you are saying goodbye to a life that was before. But it does obscure the value of singleness (and "all others") after marriage. When you get married, singleness doesn't die it is just not preferred. When you get married, all other possible partners do not die, but you make a promise that you will be "forsaking all others". All others includes singleness.
Singleness does not lose its value because of marriage, but its value does change for the married people. "All others" do not lose their value because they are not the one getting married, but their value does change for the couple who are married. Although it might be possible to think of marriage as a funeral for singleness or for all others, it would not be honest to say that singleness (or all others) has died and has no value to the married person. Their partner simply has MORE value to them. And that requires a lot of effort (sometimes easier, sometimes harder) to make sure their partner always has more value. I don't see why that can't be true for single people either.
Singleness is not synonymous with sin, and it does neither godly single men and women or sinful married men and women to say so. Singleness is a valuable option for a relationship status, and it's really important to reinforce that because for some people it will be their only option. God knows what is best for us. Maybe marriage is a "funeral for selfishness" but singleness should be too. Maybe marriage is a "funeral for singleness" for the couple, in the same way it's a funeral for all others. They are not dead but dead to you. It is time of acknowledging good things in their place, but working to keep the best thing in its place. For Christians the best thing is not the other person (or being alone). It is Jesus, and we need to work to keep him in that place whether single or married.
So I'm praying for my friends who got married that they would keep Jesus in his place and following his example with his help put selfishness to death. And I'm praying that for my single friends too. All of us are valued by Jesus, and all of us have to work to keep him as the most valuable thing in our lives. Single men, married men, single women, married women, none of us are alone or supported enough in this.
If you disagree with what I say, please let me know. None of us are immune to saying things in a way we don't mean, but all of us could do with saying more meaningful things.
