Several times in the past week I have been asked if I am alright. I don't feel any different than usual but people were pressing me to get me to tell the truth. Maybe there's something they can see that I can't yet.
I guess it's like that with lots of things. Yesterday, the first day of 2011, a dear friend told me that my compliments made his girlfriend very uncomfortable. I do try to limit my time with single girls because they don't have boyfriends that can pull me up on things like that. But it hurt to be told that what I say to everyone makes at least this friend feel uncomfortable.
So yesterday I was grumpy and brooding. "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." (Prov 27:6) I want to say that it's just one person, but maybe it's just one person who everything has lined up so that I can know how they feel. I want to cry, but I can't at the moment. I wanted to never say anything to anyone anymore. I wanted to be angry with God that the person he made me to this point makes people uncomfortable. How can I change who I am?
But that is the challenge of sin isn't it? I am sinful, therefore I sin. My sinfulness was evident in how quick I was to blame my holy, faithful and loving God for my problems. Being a Christian is about changing who you are, and being willing to give up your own life to love God and others. The rebuke hurt because I am not willing to change.
Maybe that's what is wrong with me lately. I have changed because I'm not willing to change. My eyes are dry, my faith is old, my heart is hard and my prayers are cold. Even at the New Year I had no resolution for change. I had no heart of repentance for the year that was. I had need for this wound.
Thankfully today I got "The Pursuit of Holiness" by Jerry Bridges. A day or too late to make resolutions with everyone else. But this year I make it my aim to pursue holiness.
Hopefully I won't make anyone's skin crawl along the way.
